what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
