the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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