the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
