So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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