it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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