I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
