My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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