hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
