Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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