I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
