I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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