oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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