I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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