Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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