dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
