can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
