I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
