how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
