OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
