Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
how does that bad decision feel?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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