if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
