You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
