soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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