the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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