If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
