I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
