Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
