so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
