I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
