barbara walters just said penis...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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