I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
