thus making me awesome and them whores
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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