I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
