There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
