I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
