Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
