My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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