I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.