She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
