My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
