i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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