i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
