I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
