Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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