tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
