I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my sisters under your porch take her home
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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