I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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