I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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