I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
