I faked an abortion last night.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
