I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We are all done wearing pants today
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
