so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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