went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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