I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
