her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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