I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
