You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
