Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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