Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
