Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
