You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
