Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
